i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
