Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
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