what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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