True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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