she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
