see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
