Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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