I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
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