the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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