Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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