If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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