i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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