I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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