I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
