my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize