People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
