Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
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