I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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