Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
