I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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