i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
