Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
it glows. i had to have it.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize