She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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