his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
