He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
