I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
