fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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