Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize