I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
