Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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