i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
