Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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