I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
