Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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