I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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