We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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