i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
