i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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