i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
