just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
