Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
false alarm. still invincible.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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