Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
honey bunches of taint.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
