onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
