You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
