apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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