sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
