I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
