btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
