Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
