What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
