No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Randomize
