a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
