Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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