Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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