Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
being pregnant is like rehab
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
