Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
