my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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