Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
