So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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