one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
