Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
