Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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