I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
