forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
