When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
