just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
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